CORINTH, MISSISSIPPI (The Daily Whatever Press)—Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith has finally found a campaign format she’s comfortable with: one sentence, nine words, and out.
I’m going to have a really hard time not saying “Bless her heart” over and over again throughout this entire thing, with the “fuck this fool” liberally—and I do mean liberally—implied.
Donald Trump rolled into Crossroads Arena in Corinth on Monday night, the first sitting president to visit the town since FDR, and talked for more than 80 minutes, by which point the AP described his voice as “audibly hoarse.” More than an hour in, In between fantasizing about all the hot men he wants to get with, he called up the senator he’d flown in to save. She stepped up and delivered her remarks in full:
“Is this not the best president in our lifetime?”
Then she stepped back. That was it. That was the whole damn speech.
Bwahahaha. First of all, Cindy, no, most certainly is NOT the best president in our lifetime. Not even best of say, the last three.
The speech, reviewed
Trump, to his credit, loved it. “That was a record,” he said. “That was great.” And then, from the transcript: “Thank you, Cindy. I love that. You know, sometimes they get up and they talk for 10 minutes… that was one of the best I’ve ever—Cindy, that was good.”
Cindy, that was good. He sounds like a dad at a piano recital whose kid played one note, curtsied, and ran.
Nine words. The Gettysburg Address is 272. “Where’s the beef?” is three, so Hyde-Smith clocked in at exactly three Clara Pellers, and looked significantly less comfortable on stage than the now-dead octogenarian. Which is funny, because the last time Hyde-Smith had a beef question put to her, back in February, she told WLOX that Americans who can’t afford beef “have so many proteins to choose from.” Her opponent now calls her “Cindy High Prices,” and mocks her for telling people to “pick another protein.” You can see why she’d want to keep her public remarks short.
I’ve co-hosted a daily show with my best friend Dana for a year now. We cannot say good morning in nine words. We couldn’t do it if our very lives depended upon it. I admire the discipline. I do not admire anything else about her.