I always knew I wanted to be a transgender woman, but I grew up in the 80s/90s and the realities of that experience were much different then than they are today. I never considered it as a valid lifestyle until well into adulthood and even then, I never felt brave enough to fully embrace and commit to the identity I wanted.
Once I reached puberty I knew I was attracted to women and felt no chemistry towards masculinity. But I knew I also wasn’t even remotely interested in being a boyfriend or a husband so I never dated. Even well into my thirties there was no thought given to even considering a transgender partner. I don’t know if it was the parts I was more concerned about, or the fear over assumptions that I’d be paring with someone as messed up as me.
Now, into my mid-40s, I absolutely would date a trans woman. I’ve since had exposure to other people like me and discovered that I do feel chemistry, and that I don’t really care about parts.
So, yeah. I was a transgender person who was also transphobic… in the literal sense of the word that I feared people like me.
But you can’t really fight your chemistry. If you’ve met a bunch of transgender people but still don’t feel the spark, that’s not something you can help. I believe that true transphobia involves a choice, even if usually that choice involves avoidance and ignorance.
I had to grow and change from the hard-core TERF I was in my 30s, to a more expansive way of seeing folks these days. I am slow. but I got here. I looked back at the flannel shirt and jeans kid said bat I was living all things in nature and mechanical and hating girly stuff. I realized what an absolute privileged life I had since my P's accepted me for who I was. I was love for just being me (except when we had to visit my father's parents). I might not have made it out alive had I not been so blessed.
Oh, Dana, this was beautifully written. The pacing is perfect — you keep us focused on that moment in the car by skipping to the present thoughts, but there’s no jarring leap to four years later. I love the music tie-ins - especially knowing that music is one of the lens through which you read the world. Really nicely done.
What came through for me was the fierceness of your mama love and your palpable longing to connect with your (smart, kind, empathic) daughter. The connection is so primeval and at the same time, it feels so precarious, like it could break at any moment. Thank you for sharing.
I love this, Dana. I remember a million car rides with my daughters. It was where their truth spilled out. I think it was the parallel seating that made it possible. Deprived of the ability to study the nuances of my facial expressions, they forged ahead, unrestrained. And I was able to just listen. Your conversation took me back. You are a wonderful mother - teacher and student.
A wonderful piece. It’s interesting, as I myself often seem to embody equal parts your perspective and your daughter’s.
Still, there are often times where I fully embody your daughter’s view, while understanding your boundaries assessment and, yet, other times where it seems to flip.
The gendercentrism narrative we have been fed, I am 46, is like a scar that is always there, if we choose to notice it. However, if we choose not to, we might somehow be able to train ourselves out of our toxic upbringings and our parent’s and the peers’ naive bungling on understanding that identity is everything and that people, regardless of how they identify, deserve to be who they feel they are.
Trans is wonderful. Trans people are wonderful. They don’t discriminate. I think what is so fulfilling about it being a straight man is just seeing how much of them were so nice and cool. We I say we cause They are me to. There’s no them and us. It’s all of us. It was always like a cool club just being around them nobody said hey you’re black hey your straight hey you’re white hey you’re gay hey you’re lesbian. It was just you belong. And I think that’s what’s so cool about Trans people. There’s no discrimination. They are wonderful people and hanging with them they are fun and they want to make you feel special.
You’re a very beautiful woman. Thank you. Thank you. I’m drawn to your heroism. The Love you show and write about is beautiful. It’s so great being accepting. And I see the love extend through this. You show so much balance. I give you flowers because you deserve them. And it’s important to celebrate wonderful trailblazers like you.
Beautifully written Dana, and so open to a complex situation and topic! So you have two daughters! Me too. As I mentioned, they're both in their 60s, and it's the best!
Thank you for sharing this beautifully written snapshot of your life and relationship with your teen. Both of your points of view are so touching, and hopefully a huge part of my life: healthy personal boundaries and choices; fairness and justice for all. 💜
I think it's a testament to how your daughter sees the world to you, Dana. She obviously doesn't have the moral clarity she does without you. Also, you having the internal monologue to question your own responses during this story is what I try to strive to do. Rather than be defensive and stand up for my words, I would like to be someone who listens and analyzes what is really important. It sounds like you have a great daughter.
What an amazing read. Following your path from confused-but-respectful to oh-I-get-it-now was so heartwarming. The world needs more people who are open to learning from their kiddos - and recognizing the value in their perspective. Your girls are very lucky to have you.
I feel like "both things can be true" is becoming my catch phrase these days... As a reminder to myself as much as anyone else.
I always knew I wanted to be a transgender woman, but I grew up in the 80s/90s and the realities of that experience were much different then than they are today. I never considered it as a valid lifestyle until well into adulthood and even then, I never felt brave enough to fully embrace and commit to the identity I wanted.
Once I reached puberty I knew I was attracted to women and felt no chemistry towards masculinity. But I knew I also wasn’t even remotely interested in being a boyfriend or a husband so I never dated. Even well into my thirties there was no thought given to even considering a transgender partner. I don’t know if it was the parts I was more concerned about, or the fear over assumptions that I’d be paring with someone as messed up as me.
Now, into my mid-40s, I absolutely would date a trans woman. I’ve since had exposure to other people like me and discovered that I do feel chemistry, and that I don’t really care about parts.
So, yeah. I was a transgender person who was also transphobic… in the literal sense of the word that I feared people like me.
But you can’t really fight your chemistry. If you’ve met a bunch of transgender people but still don’t feel the spark, that’s not something you can help. I believe that true transphobia involves a choice, even if usually that choice involves avoidance and ignorance.
Thanks for this. I have learned so much from my own teen on this topic. This is the kind of self-aware parenting that we need right now.
I had to grow and change from the hard-core TERF I was in my 30s, to a more expansive way of seeing folks these days. I am slow. but I got here. I looked back at the flannel shirt and jeans kid said bat I was living all things in nature and mechanical and hating girly stuff. I realized what an absolute privileged life I had since my P's accepted me for who I was. I was love for just being me (except when we had to visit my father's parents). I might not have made it out alive had I not been so blessed.
I loved that conversation!
Thanks for sharing.
Oh, Dana, this was beautifully written. The pacing is perfect — you keep us focused on that moment in the car by skipping to the present thoughts, but there’s no jarring leap to four years later. I love the music tie-ins - especially knowing that music is one of the lens through which you read the world. Really nicely done.
What came through for me was the fierceness of your mama love and your palpable longing to connect with your (smart, kind, empathic) daughter. The connection is so primeval and at the same time, it feels so precarious, like it could break at any moment. Thank you for sharing.
Awww thanks so much. 💜💜💜
I love this, Dana. I remember a million car rides with my daughters. It was where their truth spilled out. I think it was the parallel seating that made it possible. Deprived of the ability to study the nuances of my facial expressions, they forged ahead, unrestrained. And I was able to just listen. Your conversation took me back. You are a wonderful mother - teacher and student.
Sharing so I can read in the morning :)
Thanks Ellie! I’m eager to hear what you think.
A wonderful piece. It’s interesting, as I myself often seem to embody equal parts your perspective and your daughter’s.
Still, there are often times where I fully embody your daughter’s view, while understanding your boundaries assessment and, yet, other times where it seems to flip.
The gendercentrism narrative we have been fed, I am 46, is like a scar that is always there, if we choose to notice it. However, if we choose not to, we might somehow be able to train ourselves out of our toxic upbringings and our parent’s and the peers’ naive bungling on understanding that identity is everything and that people, regardless of how they identify, deserve to be who they feel they are.
Trans is wonderful. Trans people are wonderful. They don’t discriminate. I think what is so fulfilling about it being a straight man is just seeing how much of them were so nice and cool. We I say we cause They are me to. There’s no them and us. It’s all of us. It was always like a cool club just being around them nobody said hey you’re black hey your straight hey you’re white hey you’re gay hey you’re lesbian. It was just you belong. And I think that’s what’s so cool about Trans people. There’s no discrimination. They are wonderful people and hanging with them they are fun and they want to make you feel special.
You’re a very beautiful woman. Thank you. Thank you. I’m drawn to your heroism. The Love you show and write about is beautiful. It’s so great being accepting. And I see the love extend through this. You show so much balance. I give you flowers because you deserve them. And it’s important to celebrate wonderful trailblazers like you.
Beautifully written Dana, and so open to a complex situation and topic! So you have two daughters! Me too. As I mentioned, they're both in their 60s, and it's the best!
Thank you for sharing this beautifully written snapshot of your life and relationship with your teen. Both of your points of view are so touching, and hopefully a huge part of my life: healthy personal boundaries and choices; fairness and justice for all. 💜
I think it's a testament to how your daughter sees the world to you, Dana. She obviously doesn't have the moral clarity she does without you. Also, you having the internal monologue to question your own responses during this story is what I try to strive to do. Rather than be defensive and stand up for my words, I would like to be someone who listens and analyzes what is really important. It sounds like you have a great daughter.
What an amazing read. Following your path from confused-but-respectful to oh-I-get-it-now was so heartwarming. The world needs more people who are open to learning from their kiddos - and recognizing the value in their perspective. Your girls are very lucky to have you.
I feel like "both things can be true" is becoming my catch phrase these days... As a reminder to myself as much as anyone else.
Thank you for sharing. 🫶
You’re a gifted writer, Dana! I agree with everything you said, and yes two things can be true at once. Brava!
This is a beautiful story, Dana. Thank you for sharing it.