DALLAS, TEXAS (The Daily Whatever Wire)—I raised my daughters to believe that if you have to make someone swear an oath to keep them loyal, you’ve already lost the argument (and the friendship). Apparently nobody explained it to the President of the United States, who stood on a stage in Dallas Thursday night, raised his own right hand, and had a room full of grown adults repeat a loyalty pledge to him personally—not the country, not the Constitution, him—that ended with an open, on-the-record promise to commit voter fraud.
As he does.
Here’s the quote, word for word:
“I pledge to the greatest president in the history of the United States, that loves us so much he can’t even breathe, that I will go out with my family, my friends—I’ll do it any way, I don’t care if I’m registered or not, I’m going to try and cheat like hell like they do. There’s never been bigger cheaters.”
He closed the pledge with “so help me God,” a phrase normally reserved for testifying in federal court, not for confessing to a crime in advance of committing it. Then, in case anyone in the room had failed to grasp the stakes, he added that if you don’t vote, “you go to hell.”
So let’s recap the sequence here: 1) swear loyalty to me, 2) commit to voter fraud, 3) so help you God, or 4) eternal damnation.
Here’s the part where I must toss in a caveat to you, dear readers: yes, The Daily Whatever Wire is quasi-satirical, in that it’s not a real, actual newswire. But make no mistake—those are actual quotes from the actual Republican National Convention that our actual president made. Who needs satire when real life is this absurd, amirte??
Donald Trump Jr., Speaker Mike Johnson, and RFK Jr. reportedly raised their hands in appreciation, I guess?. Karoline Leavitt laughed along but kept hers down, which—awww, look at her, developing a self-preservation instinct at this late stage of the game. That’s so cute, Karoline! Somewhere there’s a chief of staff furiously drafting a memo titled “Optics of Publicly Pledging Fraud” and I hope that person is paid a great deal of money, because they’re about to earn every red penny (that no longer exists) of it explaining to the boss why “we swore to cheat, on camera, at a podium” is a bad look even by his deep-in-the-lowest-pits-of-hell standards.
Here’s the part where I tell you what I made up, because Dana DuBois does not let fabrication pass as fact, not even for a bit. So: I don’t actually know that RNC merchandising has begun selling a laminated, notarized wallet card of the pledge for $39.99, engraved gold-foil edition $89.99, “so you can carry your commitment to defraud the American electorate wherever you go.” I don’t know that. I made that up. But I want you to notice how little work I had to do to make it funny, because the actual pledge is already a wallet card away from a QVC segment.
I also don’t know that a Heritage Foundation spokesperson issued a statement calling the pledge “a bold recommitment to procedural flexibility.” I invented that quote. But if you handed it to me blind, in a stack of real Heritage Foundation statements, I wouldn’t be able to pick it out, and that should worry you more than anything I’ve written on purpose.
What isn’t invented: the man running to hold onto a Republican-majority Congress opened his closing pitch by admitting—out loud and in front of a camera, televised to the world and before his own son, not that he gives a shit about his kids—that the plan is to cheat “like hell.” Not to resist or safeguard against cheating. But to be outwardly and boldly great at cheating. He told his own supporters that “there’s never been bigger cheaters,” a sentence that requires you to believe both that the other side invented industrial-scale fraud and that his solution is to become better at the thing he insists doesn’t exist.
If that’s not a confession wearing a policy position as a costume then… oh fuck, I don’t know. It’s clearly a confession. How can I try to make that bit more biting?
I can’t, because I don’t have a bit for the ending. This isn’t a bit, not at all. A sitting president stood in front of thousands of people, asked them to raise their hands like they were being sworn in, and got them to promise to break the law for him.
And the room laughed. Here’s hoping history not only remembers the laughter but also avenges what the laughter was covering.
Thanks for reading!
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He’s shown his hand. They plan to steal the election in pure irony.
Effin’ insanity. This is a cult, full stop.