LinkedIn Has Become a Dating App Because Apparently Hinge Was Too Horny

Congratulations, you’re now being sexually harassed by a man with an MBA

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash. Image by author.

SUNNYVALE, CA (The Daily Whatever Press) — A local woman reports she has now been “networked” by three separate men this month, all of whom described her LinkedIn endorsements for “Strategic Thinking” as “kind of hot.”

That’s a joke. Mostly. Yes, I made that woman up, but I didn’t make up the trend, because Zety — yes, the résumé-building website, the people who help you lie about your Excel skills — just surveyed 1,000+ American workers and found that LinkedIn, the site where you frame your life challenges as “key learnings,” has become a place where people go to fall in love, or at least shoot their proverbial shots. One in eight of them actually found love there, which, good for them! 65% of them are ashamed of themselves for even trying. Both things are true at once, and that totes tracks — because shame has never once stopped audacious people from doing anything on the internet.

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My dad spent 40 years in food science. If he wanted to know if a man was legit, he smelled his car. That was his method. Paprika on the floor mats, you’re fine. It was crude, but it worked, because it was actual physical evidence of actual lived experience. LinkedIn has become the paprika car of dating: 48% of respondents said the platform feels more trustworthy than an actual dating profile, because a résumé is harder to fake than a bio that says “6’1, love to laugh, no drama.” Nearly one in five admitted to opening LinkedIn specifically to background-check a potential love interest.

But LinkedInners (may I call them that? Yes, yes I can and did) have opinions on this trend, and they split pretty dramatically on — you guess it — gender. 74% of those surveyed said LinkedIn should stay strictly professional. 26% said pursuing dates on it is “fair game.” And men are more than twice as likely as women to be in that second group — shocking absolutely no woman who has ever opened a message that starts with “hope this isn’t weird” and then shit gets weird immediately.

LinkedIn’s own career expert, Jasmine Escalera, told SFGATE that “the modern workforce doesn’t separate professional and personal identity as neatly as it once did.” I’d like to introduce Jasmine to the 34% of respondents who said a romantic LinkedIn message makes them uncomfortable, and the 19% who just block and report, because apparently a full fifth of the American workforce has decided the correct response to “hey, loved your thoughts on Q3 synergy” is to treat it like a workplace hazard. As they should, gold stars all around. We’ll be sure to note that on your annual review.

Zety, sensing a real opportunity here, is expected to announce a new premium tier any day now — “LinkedIn Premium: Courtship Edition,” $39.99 a month, unlocks the ability to see who read your “About” section three times at 1am. (Also, in case it’s not abundantly clear, this is fabricated. Also somehow completely plausible, which is the actual joke. Thanks folks, I’ll be here all day.)

The generational split is icing on top of the inappropriate use of an app: Gen Z and Millennials are out there vetting dates by LinkedIn at 27% and 33%, respectively. Gen X — my people, the ones who invented “stranger danger” as a personal ethos and still won’t give barista our real names — sits at 19%. Boomers are at 6%, presumably because most of them still think LinkedIn is where you go to accept a job offer? Unclear but also, bravo on the single digit, my Boomer pals. You’ve got this.

I’m not mad that people are lonely. I’m not even mad that a networking site full of humblebrag posts turned out to be a decent background-check tool — guilty as charged, I’ve done this myself more than once. What gets me is that we built a platform to prove we’re employable, and it turned out to be running the whole thing like a Yenta.

Somewhere, a man is updating his headline to “Open to new opportunities” with a knowing nod and a wink. God help us all.

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Hi, I’m Dana. And I Write Out Loud.

I Write Out Loud is my primary home for cultural memoir, personal essays, and live conversations about the strange, brave process of becoming yourself in midlife. If you like essays with a point of view and a pulse, you’ll find plenty to read there.

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