THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF NEVER THE PRETTY ONE (The Daily Whatever Press) — Megyn Kelly on Monday unveiled a bold new standard for sexual consent, and it is your arms.
Under the Kelly Doctrine, a woman’s ability to say no shrinks as her bicep circumference grows, and any woman rated below a 7 is legally presumed flattered. Here’s how she justified it: on SiriusXM, Kelly looked at a 20-year-old who told Cornell police she was “100% sure” she’d been raped by members of the Chi Phi fraternity and announced that she’s “not the most attractive gal.” She called her “extremely beefy in her arms and her legs” and said she “clearly didn’t grow up the incredibly beautiful one.” She even brought up a video where the young woman talks about her cankles, which means a 55-year-old with a law degree went digging through a stranger’s ankle content for material.
Megyn’s conclusion: the plain girl was just so thrilled to be wanted, “and that’s why she kept saying yes.”
Now, I’m not a violent person. But those words make me want to gauge Megyn’s eyesballs out with my beefy, not-incredibly-beautiful arms and shove them down her pick-me-girl throat to Shut. Her. The. Fuck. Up.
The accused men deny wrongdoing; that’s expected, and it’s their right. Grading a rape accuser’s calves for four million YouTube subscribers is, apparently, Megyn’s.
Fuck all the way off with that math, Megyn. I’m a red-haired GenX woman with arms that hauled groceries, toddlers, laptops, and a decade of indie-rock merch. I was never the “incredibly beautiful” one, and I’m still not. I’ve been the not-pretty girl at more parties and shows than you’ve had bad takes, and every one of us learned the same lesson by 1987: being beautiful and being sexually assaulted are two different, not related fucking things. Rape is not discriminatory and it impacts all of us. Elderly dementia patients get raped, FFS.
We already watched your theory play out, Megyn. It was called Sixteen Candles: Jake Ryan hands his passed-out girlfriend to the Geek, he presumably drunkenly rapes her in the church parking lot in that Rolls Royce, the theater laughs, cue the birthday cake. GenX spent 40 years unlearning that scene. You just pitched the sequel and called it “oh, but I enjoy being admired.”
Because that’s the real kicker: Kelly framed all of this as protecting women. Calling Doe a victim, she said, is “disempowering to all of womankind… to our daughters.” I’m raising two daughters. Know what disempowers them? A millionaire with a microphone telling them their “yes” can be read off the size of their thighs.
A new, fake Daily Whatever poll finds 94% of women who’ve ever been called “beefy” would like a word, and the remaining 6% are currently lifting something heavy in Megyn’s general direction.
And the topper: Kelly said that if Jane Doe’s identity comes out, she’ll name her herself.
Jane Doe was 20. She said she was raped, and she was sure. Megyn Kelly answered with a review of her body and a promise to say her name out loud the second it leaks.
Some of us were never the pretty one.
All of us can see exactly who’s ugly here.
Hi, I’m Dana — and I Write Out Loud
I Write Out Loud is my primary home for cultural memoir, personal essays, and live conversations about the strange, brave process of becoming yourself in midlife. If you like essays with a point of view and a pulse, you’ll find plenty to read there.
And if you enjoyed this story — why not buy me a coffee?☕
{Make mine a decaf iced oat milk mocha, please!}
The always disgusting Megyn Kelly strikes again. So, because I was considered pretty it was wrong when I was raped, but my best friend, raped the same time but not considered pretty was g*cking lucky?! How does Megyn continue to have sponsors?!
Kelly trying to take over for Ann Coulter. Quiet Piggy.