September 2026 was a month in which we investigated rape, food safety, college parents, dating apps, GenX unemployment, presidential election threats, halal cheese, tainted beef, hairy legs, incest, fake moms, and a 78-year-old rock star yelling at Taylor Swift.
So, basically, a quiet month.
Hereās what we published while the world continued to behave completely normallyā¦
The South Park Guy Just Put the Cornell 7 on Blast
The Cornell 7 story escalates and now the guy behind South Park says he has names, photos, and documents, which means approximately seven menāand soon hopefully another 50 moreāare having a very bad fucking week.
Cornell Gave Gang Rapists a Writing Assignment. Now Ithaca Is Grading Cornell, and Itās Getting an F.
Cornellās response to an alleged gang-rape case involved essays, Ithaca got involved, and suddenly the Ivy League had its own homework assignment.
Cornell Punished Gang Rape* with a WRITING ASSIGNMENT, and Iām Screaming Into My Composition Notebook
A lawsuit revealed that some of The Cornell 7 accused rapists were allowed to mitigate their conduct with essays, because apparently āwrite about what you learnedā is now part of the criminal disciplinary process.
Todd Rundgren Thinks Taylor Swift Ruined Music. Todd, You Okay?
Todd Rundgren looked at the biggest pop star on the planet and apparently decided the problem with music is herā¦ hair? Big talk from a man who released his last great record in 1978.
The Right Just Discovered Tillamookās Halal Cheese. Theyāre About 10 Years Late.
Tillamook changed its cheese-making enzyme in 2016, the resulting cheese happened to be halal, and the right-wing internet has apparently just discovered this shocking development eight years late.
Maryland Found Lead in Your Cinnamon. RFK Jr. Is Out Chasing Chemtrails.
A state health department found lead in recalled cinnamon while federal food-safety staffing was being cutājust in time for fall baking season, too!
The FBI Would Like ICE to Know the Tradwife on Hinge Might Be a Trap
The FBI warned that immigration agents could be targeted by women pretending to be tradwives on dating apps, proving once again that the dating-app ecosystem is indistinguishable from counterintelligence.
Clavicular Charged With Rape; Podcast Industry Stunned to Learn Bone-Smasher Was Bad Person
A 20-year-old looksmaxxing influencer was charged with rape after spending September appearing on podcasts, raising the timeless question: perhaps Google your guest before handing him a microphone?
Hey Ladies! Your Doctor Is Letting You Get Septic Over a $30 Cream
Women with recurrent UTIs are still routinely denied vaginal estrogen despite evidence supporting its use, because apparently āagingā is easier for medicine to prescribe than actually, you know, treating women.
Trump Banned CNN and Broke His Own D@#n Press Pool
Trump banned CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from the White House, and then the press pool basically said, āCool, then nobodyās playing.ā
LinkedIn Has Become a Dating App Because Apparently Hinge Was Too Horny
Americans have apparently decided that LinkedIn is an acceptable place to find romance, because nothing says sexual tension like āSenior Director of Strategic Partnerships.ā
Florida Mom Says She Had Sex With Her Son āOnly About 100 Times,ā Which Is Not How āOnlyā Works
A domestic-violence call led investigators to an alleged mother-son sexual relationship, a husband with questions, and one truly catastrophic use of the word āonly.ā
Parents Are Paying $10,000 a Year for a Fake College Mom
College parents are now paying thousands of dollars for professional strangers to swoop in and mother their adult children. Parents, DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR ADULT CHILD.
Trump Has Supporters Pledge Allegiance to Cheating. Literally.
Trump had supporters raise their hands and pledge loyalty to him while promising to ācheat like hellā in elections, which is one way to make a campaign rally sound like a deposition.
What Sheās Learned About Grift
As Erika Kirk stepped into leadership at Turning Point after her husbandās death, the organization experienced a massive surge in attention, money, and new chapter requestsāand we took a very close look at the business of grief.
Trump Was Asked If Heād Interfere With the Midterms. He Didnāt Say No.
Asked whether he would declare a national emergency and interfere with the 2026 midterms, Trump answered, āStranger things have happened,ā which is technically a sentence and emphatically not the answer anyone wanted.
Thirteen Men Walk Into a Rape Trial. Her Husband Sent the Invitations.
A Manchester trial put 13 men in court over allegations involving an unconscious woman, her husband, and years of alleged drugging and sexual assaultāthe offline version of the same nightmare we saw online earlier this year.
Hey GenX: The Job Market Hates You. Have You Tried Journaling?
The labor market is aging GenX workers out, and the proposed solution appears to be journaling about our feelings rather than fixing the systems filtering us out.
Good News: Nobody Died. Bad News: Thatās Not How Food Safety Works.
Nearly 30,000 pounds of Argentine beef entered the U.S. without required federal reinspection, nobody got sick, and somehow ānobody diedā became the good-news portion of the story.
Sugar Is Up 20% and the Whole Thing Is a F@#king Cartel
Sugar prices are beating the stock market because America has spent decades protecting a handful of sugar producers from the beautiful chaos of capitalism.
Boys Are Finally Getting Their Own Beauty Culture. It Smells Like Piss.
Teenage boys have discovered pheromone-maxxing, which involves refusing to shower, cultivating their natural musk, and apparently deciding that drinking your own piss is a beauty treatment.
A Legion of Children Before the Civil War
Elon Musk reportedly told Ashley St. Clair he needed āa legion of children before the civil war,ā proving once again that there is no sentence a billionaire cannot make somehow worse.
BREAKING NEWS: Phoebe Bridgers Has Leg Hair
Phoebe Bridgers showed up in Venice with unshaved legs, 18 photographers apparently lost their minds, and we were forced to remind the internet that women are, in fact, mammals.
Meta Stole Museās Handle for a F@#king Beige Plushy
Meta grabbed the @muse handle for its new AI agent, accidentally tagged the actual band, called the whole thing a ābug,ā and expected everyone to move along.
Ed Sheeran Discovers Neutral Isnāt a Personality
Ed Sheeran let a billionaire decide who could open his shows and then issued a statement insisting he doesnāt take sides, which is a fascinating way to discover that āneutralā is, in fact, a side.
Ten Points Wonāt Survive an Envelope
Democrats were showing unusually strong party-identification numbers, but the real story was whether polling advantages could survive the infinitely sexier battlefield of election rules, ballots, and actual organizing.
The Whole Planet Just Sold Its Bonds, and the Arsonist Wants to Know Why Itās Hot
The global bond market started throwing up, Japanās yields hit a 30-year high, and the man setting the economy on fire was apparently confused about the smoke.
May October be kinder to all of us.
We love you, mean it!
Dana DuBois & Lawrence Winnerman
Co-founders and lead rabble-rousers at The Daily Whatever Show
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